A day at the beyatch

There's no faster way to shed pounds than a good case of dysentery. I'm living proof. The pounds are melting off and all I do is sit. I've been on this "diet" for at least three days now, and other than exhaustion and incredible intestinal discomfort, I'm finding the results amazing. Knocked a notch or two off the belt, and even my socks are more comfortable. I began this unintended crash and burn diet with a trip last weekend to Mollendo, a beach town due west of Arequipa. Mollendo is a small town of about 3,000, and it has all the charm of ringworm. Buses for Mollendo leave Arequipa every hour, and it's a cheap trip, so to speak -- about S/.10 one way -- or $3.30 U.S. The bus ride is like taking a rover over  lunar landscape. It's brown, hot, mountainous, desolate and, guess what?, it's boring. I didn't hear a single conversation on the bus for the three-hour ride. The movie on the way over was Cast Away, which I like, so that helped.  (Wilson, Wilson, Wilson!!!!) Oddly, the bus would drop people off along the way in god-forsaken, uninhabited, parched places where I didn't see dwellings of any kind. But some lady wearing way too many traditional clothes and carrying a huge bundle of something or other would get off the bus and trudge off into god knows where. Amazing. I took a cab from Mollendo's bus station (50 centos to use the bathroom) to the beach for S/.5. The driver showed me the hot spots along the way -- a market and town center. The main beach area had umbrellas and chairs set up, which seemed nice. I settled under one and this lady with a small girl comes up to me speaking rapid and clearly unfriendly Spanish. The girl is kicking sand on my backpack while the lady grabs the stem of my umbrella, and, honest to god, rolls her dentures around in her mouth with her tongue while glaring at me. Turns out you have to pay $/.5 for the umbrella, and I guess she was the hired muscle. I wasn't about to argue. I fell asleep for a bit, the earth kept rotating, and I got a fantastic sunburn. I tried to go swimming, and entered the roughest, most dangerous surf that I've ever encountered. Rougher than California, Maine, Canada, anywhere. I was in up to my shins and almost got sucked out to my death by undertow so fierce that I can't describe it. It pulls you off your feet -- and I'm only out to my shins. (Actually, there's a controversial Peruvian film called Undertow, but I digress.) The waves were too high to even approach. Once I turned toward shore to make sure my stuff was still at the S/.5 umbrella, and I got slammed to the sand by a rogue wave. Crazy and dangerous. Of course, I was the only one in water above the ankles. After an exhilarating six minutes in the water, I loafed around the beach for a bit and then started walking toward town. Along the way, I bumped into one of my ESL students, and I got a ride to a restaurant for what turned out to be a fateful encounter. I ordered from the menu and the waitress couldn't understand me. I was pointing to the menu, and apparently, she couldn't understand my finger. I got some kind of sketchy fish ceviche, which was gross at best, and then sat in the town center watching an endless parade of taxis ride in a circle. The beautiful weather in the morning and early afternoon had now turned cloudy and a bit chilly. That went well with the sunburn. On the bus ride back to Arequipa (with one of the Fast and Furious movies), I started to feel a little uneasy. The ceviche. I've been uneasy since, although I visited the farmacia last night and I'm sure they'll set me right. To make matters worse, I forgot my camera, so there's no pictures to capture my enchanted trip to the beach. I'll try to post a picture of tonight's dinner instead. Bon appetit!